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| 09:58am 29/04/2004 |
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I've got a new journal, its kisstheselips
If you had me as your friend for this journal and I liked reading your entries then I added you already on there. |
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| 12:33pm 04/02/2004 |
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Im still just as happy today.
Even thought Im sick.
. . love does funny things to you. |
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| 02:03pm 30/01/2004 |
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how do you make your journal, all friends only? |
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| 09:06am 24/12/2003 |
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I woke up just as happy as I was yesterday, but now Im crying, and shaking and it wont stop. it's hard to see and almost as hard to type.
I messed up, I drank today, there is about 3 shots of tequila swimming around my stomach and it's only 9 o'clock but the pain was unbareable.
I'm being sent away . . . I'm not sure when but my mom got her way, Im going to some looney bin, I don't know where or for how long. |
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| 12:55pm 23/12/2003 |
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I'm really happy this morning, for no reason, its nice, i cant stop smiling . .
that's all for me! |
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| 08:54am 22/12/2003 |
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My mom has called three times this morning, for what?? to bitch at me! Fun. I'm a horrible child, I need to be locked up for a few days, I need to be put back in school, I need to much help and she just gave up. My own mom just gave up on me, just in time for the holidays. It's fucking horrible knowing, that you've caused your mom so much hurt and pain that she is just giving up, telling you to pack it up, go to your dad's and live with him.
My plans:
Finish this school year on Ind. Study. Work full time and save most of my money. Get my GED over the summer, find roommates in some SoCal town, go to a JC there, and support myself, I know I'll only be 17 but I think if I work, have plenty of money for my first few months there, and with help from my dad, that I can get immancipated and go on my own. Just on Saturday my dad said, "Cheryl, I see way to much of me in you, and this is why I don't worry because I know if all fails, you can rely on yourself, you can do things on your own, I know your independant, and I see how you used to hold your head strong, I see thats hard for you now, but you will be able to do it again someday." I just want out of this horrible town, with its horrible people and I want out on my own, far away from here. I want to be on my own, I can handle it, and I know if I talk to Natalie she will want in on this too, and I know her mom would support it.
So those are my plans, once the new year starts I'm fully looking for a job, becuase Subway just isn't going to cut it. |
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| 10:15am 21/12/2003 |
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There are three people I need to thank, because this weekend was amazing, just fucking amazing. Im super happy from it, happier than I have been in a long time:
Daddy: I never had a dad or so it felt. Then when I needed you the most you came through, you held me until I could cry no longer, you made things better and you listened and you understood. I needed that so much at this point.
Tyler: Even though we got caught, in more ways than one. Friday night was still perfect. Thank you. When we cuddled up in the chair on your front porch listening to music, I thought I couldn't get happier. The hardest thing for me was to leave, I didn't care about the trouble I would be in, I jsut didn't want to leave you.
Brandon: I know you really had no part in this weekend, but you did. I felt horrible that I couldn't talk to you when you were crying. The next day when I called you crying, you made me realize how happy I am that I have your friendship in my life, and I hope you are always in my life.
I love all three of you, in all different ways, and right now I feel like you ae all I have. |
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| If anyone hears updates about Bud while I am gone CALL ME! |
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| 09:04am 19/12/2003 |
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I should be showering and getting ready to drive 5 hours down to Atascadero. But I just wanted to update this, for my few real friends who read this, Bud was in and out of the emergency room last night. First he called me about 5 or so asking for me to come get him from the hosiptal, when I asked why he just said "please cheryl, please I know I am an ass but there was so much blood, and I dont know how much I snorted, the cuts there all over my wrist, please come for me Cheryl" so I did, with Natalie, when we got there he was drunk, and loaded and had the biggest bandages around his wrist, I was freaking out, Bud was throwing a fit and beating the shit out of this car, so we had to get him into my car, and try to take him to Jon and Kims, as we were driving, Bud was crushing up Valuum in the back seat, and so we picked up Logan but Bud got all jealous and tried to fight him so we just kicked both out. Then me and Natalie went out to dinner and just had a reallu fun night and just forgot about Bud, until about 9:30 or so and I got a call from Bud but I talked to the nurse mainly He had taken way to much Valuum and blacked out and was slcing his wrists, trying to cut one of his fingers off. Then he just remembers waking up getting his stomach pumped, he doesn't remember the cutting. My dad wouldn't let me go visit, and I'm glad I couldn't handle seeing him even though I wanted to go and hold his hand, tell him things will get better, and that I would be there for him. But I wont be, sad thing is no one will. Bud is a lost soul, sometimes I think he would be better off dead. |
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| 03:00pm 18/12/2003 |
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Promise Ring playing in the background, I walked to my back window, because I could here the wind and I wanted to see the leaves blow around the back yard, and I thought wow that is so beautiful, to be free and flowing around, disconected from your former self, out there in this beautiful world blowing around care free. Then I noticed my face in the reflection, and thought no that can't be me, look how unhappy she is, look how sad she is, that can not be me. But it was, I wanted to reach out to me, hold my own hand tell myself everything would be ok, but when I tried the window was in the way, and I felt jealous because there was part of me just like my reflection that I can not talk to, part of me I can not get a hold of, the part that makes me sad like this, the part of me that doesn't allow myself to be happy. I want to shatter the glass that stands in the way between me and the blurry sad face in the window. But at times the glass seems so thick, and it'll never break. So I started to cry, and I stepped back, and my tears had made a tiny waterfall on the window, and I thought look at this mess, look at me. I'm wasting away and the more I back away from the window the more I try not to get to my other self, the more I ignore it and walk away the sadder my face looks the more I can't see myself, I am gone, wasted. I know what I need to defend myself, to come back armed and ready to break the glass, but am I strong enough, and who will hold me up when I fail the first time, who will put me back there ready to get rid of this, to find myself, to make myself whole? Who? I don't know, but for now I am going to do all I can do. Good bye to the friends who bring me down, this leaves me with 3 friends, nothing matters anymore, I am going to live these next few months numb, going to only worry about work, saving money up, and getting the hell out of this town. Starting over. Stony, Natalie, and even Bekah you mean the world to me, when I am gone you are the only part of this town I will miss, I doubt I'll come back and visit. On the rare occasion I do, it'll just be for you three. I havn't known you long Stony, but hell the very first night we hung out we layed in my living room from 10-4 in the morning talking about everything and since then we've been able to tell each other most anything, I wish I could open up and tell you all the pain I feel but its to hard. Natalie you've been my close friend since 7th grade, and your still here through all this bullshit, though I know you'll never ever get me. Bekah, I gave you my heart, my entire heart, I was willing to give you everything, at points I thought if she told me to kill myself to prove my love, I would have shot myself dead right there right then, just to show you I loved you.
So here I am, saying good bye to all this bull shit, the next thing you read, will be happy, and well I'm numbing myself to this all. The people who matter I will let you know you matter, to the rest I will let you know you dont. I can't get hurt anymore, and I am going to make myself happy . .
I AM GOING TO MAKE MYSELF HAPPY . .
this is the end of all the shit . . from now on only happy posts . . |
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| 08:25am 18/12/2003 |
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Yesterday horrible. Got my life threatened. I think I am getting used to this, seeing as like 1 month ago Erin was the one wanting to kill me until Ashlee came to my side and she knew that if a fight broke out Ashlee would tear her face off, along with Mindi. YAY, for tough friends. I am not even going to bitch beyond that, tommarow is looking to good to for me to be down. A beautiful boy, an okay show, and hot sex in a graveyard??? please tell me what gets better??? |
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| 03:31pm 17/12/2003 |
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Another lame afternoon, drove around with Natalie and Logan for a bit to shitty places, the only thing keeping me sane and not kicking them out of my car, and making them walk their asses home, was all of singing at the top of our lungs to Murder City Devils. I love Natalie and all but sometimes I think she will never understand me, and Logan was sleeping in the back seat most the time, I wish he would just go home, running away is proving nothing to his mom, except he really can't be trusted. I wouldn't dare tell him this because he freaks out. I mean the boy had a heart attack when I tried to touch his knee, he doesn't like any affection. So we dropped him off at Ira's and then I took Natalie home and now here I am. Bud keeps calling and I just keep hitting ignore, I feel bad, but he has to realize calling me at 3 o'clock in the morning, telling me I am worthless and that I should kill myself doesn't make me want to spend time with him. Though I know I should just drop him obviously he isn't good for me, but he makes it hard with his constant calling and crying abd begging for me, and once I give in he is his normal ass self. I'm to weak for my own good, even though I play it off like I am so tough, I even have all my friend fooled, they think I am the heartless bitch who cares about no boys and I play with hearts and break 'em!
But when Friday rolls around, things will be better, friday night is going to be amazing so expect a long long long entry, if all goes well. I'll come back in love, complete, and these emo as fuck entries will end.
. . . its all come to an end, right here, right now, this gun to my temple . . good bye . . i loved you. |
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| We are the kids of yesterday |
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| 11:00am 17/12/2003 |
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music: San Francisco Forgot How to Dance - Answer the Call
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So last night I went out to dinner with my dad which was actaully okay. No talk about the horrible music I listen to, no mention that I would be even more pretty if my hair was more natural and girly, none that the whole in my face takes away from my real beauty. It's hard hearing that every fucking time I talk to my dad, but still I know Im hott, hows that for vain! Then I went over to Stony's and we talked about tattoos that we wanted, how were going in together to buy one so we can ink each other up, and we worked on ideas and drawings for tats.
tats I want/getting:
lower back: a dead rose vine going across my lower back that goes up my side and that ends with a black rose on my tittie!
upper back: broken angel wings with the Benton Fall lyrics "why won't this stop dripping on my halo these angel wings of mine they haven't seen the light in weeks let alone fly it's the light that wakes me but the time that breaks me down like water drops, why won't this stop it's got me down and who's gonna save me from falling to the ground you might as well finish me grab with both hands and rip out these wings now watch me fall" some how added in.
ankle: a hott black naked pin up girl, wrapped up loosly in a red blanket, sucking on a loli-pop with little red devils horns, and a little tail coming out of the blanket
sleave for my right arm: a death scene, dead bodies, weapons, and a warped version of me as a killer.
left for arm: a bleeding broken heart lying in a puddle of blood.
wrists: thorn vine around each one, with a few spots were it looks like its bleeding
behind ear: small group of stars
Oh no not to much. And as for piercings my septum, getting up to 00 ears, an industrail, both nipples, my clit, and maybe my belly bottun.
After Stony's I went home and talked to Brandon til like 12 or so and fell asleep, but woke up a lot cuz it was to cold!
I have nothing major to bitch about today because I bitched to Brandon on the phone and he made me feel 1000000000000x better! |
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| Die young and save yourself . . . |
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| 10:56am 16/12/2003 |
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Yet another horrible night, the house was freezing and even in my bed I was shivering so bad, the only time I stopped shivering was when I was on the phone with Tyler and I forgot about everything. Then, well I wont name names, but yeah he called and found out I was on the phone with another boy and I told him to call me at midnight but then I tried to see if I could call him in the morning and he didn't like that, not at all, so he was yelling at me and he was being a dick, so I finally got him calmed down, and then Bud called me. Fucking Bud who I havn't talked to since our fight the night Alison got rushed to the hosipital. At first he called to tell me what a horrible person I was how I was a huge bitch who never returned calls. Then he called back later almost crying telling me when we dated he thought he was falling love and how he was confused on how I could drop him like a bad habit so fast, and that he knows he is a pig and an ass! At least he knows he is. So he is going to call me today so we can hang out.
Now on to Bekah, we are pretty much over already, we still say this is my g/f and do fake air kisses and joke around, but we are over. This time for good, I can't get hurt anymore. But yeah she is still my girl, and Im still hers and we are still best of friends, and I will always love her!
But non of this matter, nothing maters, and I am numb, from cold and from pain, you can't hurt me. I'm tired of it all, I know I will always say this and then I will always let you hurt me again.
I just need someone to make me feel whole, hold me in my sleep soo I dont have to cry myself to sleep everynight, Im tired of always feeling like ending my life is the only solution for this all. If someone just loved me back, that would make things so much better and easier .. but no one ever does because I just push everyone away. |
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| 09:19pm 15/12/2003 |
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I'm tired, and annoyed. I call Nessa all the fucking time, she lives only lives like 30 min away, and she knows I dont go to school anymore, she knows I call, she is never home, phones work both ways but still I get this:
cheryl,
do you want to be my friend still it doesn't seem like it and its really upsetting me just fucking email me or call to tell me you have no time for me! dont make me sit around and cry trying to get ahold of you when i need a best friend!!! FUCKING CALL ME!!! tell me you want to know me anymore, tell me you do and dont have time! dont make me crazy!!!
I still need you
Nessa
Fuck that, now Im crying, I can't call her like this! I'm so pissed why the fuck did she e-mail, why couldnt she have called me? stopped by my house??? she walks by it everyday to get to her bus!!!! We both got depressive and suicidal at the same time, you know the night I got back from the mental institution bull shit after I tried to end it, she was the only person who didn't call or stop by. She talked shit about me behind my back! Why would she want to be my friend if I am crazy, a drunk, and Im going to just kill myself someday just to prove to them that I am crazy!
the phone works both ways, and I hope you read this. Yeah I'll call you and I'll say nice things, because you have been a good friend in the past, and at this point in my life, I need someone just as fucked up as me! Me and you girl, were loonie and we know it! |
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| 09:39am 15/12/2003 |
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I hate fighting with people, but it's all I seem to be doing with people lately. Maybe I'm just getting to fucking tired of people fucking me over and kicking me around. I'm finally telling people that it's isn't going to happen anymore, Im not a door mat. I'm not drunk all the time now, Im not just sitting there taking shit, now Im giving shit back. You get in my face I'll get in yours and I think its surprising a lot of friends. Im the laid back, having fun girl. Im the girl you call when you want to go out and have fun, but Im over that I need a good friend cuz as of now I have NONE, NO ONE! So I am saying it now, I am tired of the shit, you fuck me over and its over your out of my life, I wont take it anymore, and yes if you do want to get physical I will rock your world and fuck you up. The fighting and using needs to stop. I need control over my life again, I need to be happy. And as of now as of for the longest time I am miserable and this needs to stop, right now. I can't go on crying myself to sleep every night, I can't go on like this, everday thinking today I'm actaully going to end it all. |
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| Sex reminds her of eating spegetti |
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| 07:35am 15/12/2003 |
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mood:  tired music: Wasted and Ready - Ben Kweller
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I'm up a bit to early and it sucks, but I had to drive Logan to school. I feel so bad, because he just moved here, has little friends, and now he ran away from home so he has no where to live, so I'm sharing my bed with him, I just don't want him sleeping in parks like he intended to do. I think my moms a little wierded out that I have some street punk sleeping in my bed with me, but I am glad she trusts me enough, to let him stay here. I feel like I have to help him though, like last night I washed his clothes, and gave him pajama's while he was in the shower, this morning I woke up super early to talk and make him breakfast while he got ready for school.
Last night far to many people were at my house, I hate how everyone comes to my house because my mom is cool, and you can pretty much do as you please. So there were about 15-18 people in my room last night watching 'Trainspotting' so I just ignored them all and talked to Tyler on the phone for what seemed like a long ass time.
I havn't heard from Danny in a while, I'm glad I think he gets the idea that I won't be fucking him. Or as Sean elegantly put it "That boy neads to get over himself, his wiener will never poke her cooter" complete with hand motions.
But I did hear from Mike, because he had fun with me Saturday night and wants to a show sometime together.
It's still way way way to early! |
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| Be Careful of my Heart . . . |
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| 02:38pm 14/12/2003 |
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mood:  crushed music: Be Careful of My Heart - Tracy Chapman
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Im not sure what to say, because last night was amazingly fun, but Im still sitting her lonely today, miserable, sad, alone, and on the verge of tears. The same song on repeat, because this one part is exactly how I feel, and everytime she sings the verse my heart breaks just a little more. My heart is smashed to peices, I've been fucked over one to many times, but at least I got the will power to tell them off. I thought he could have been the one, and I thought she really loved me. She is so beautiful though, so amazing. But what can I say how do I expect them to love me back, when I can't even love myself. No one cares about me, NO ONE. That isn't even exagerating because no one does, no one knows how much pain I am in, no one knows how bad I want to end it all, paint the ceiling red. "I know how to clear my head . . . load my gun and paint the ceiling red" Wouldn't that be beautiful? There I would be lay, part of me on the wall, blood everywhere, I'd be at peice away from all this misery, this heartache this nothiness I feel every fucking day, every fucking second. When things start feeling good, something happens and I am left feeling like shit again. Why cant I be happy, why? Some one needs to come make me whole again, but no one will. Im a shame, Im a mess, and I dont understand how people can stand me. Would anyone one cry if I died, Im sure a few, but would they mean it. They could have saved me, but they didn't. They can't I wont let them, I wont let anyone in. The few I do, dont even know me, there are boxes on this screen who see my words, not my pain, they are vioces on a telephone, voices who fade away. I want something real, here, now. I want someone to hold me, make things feel okay if even just for a second. Make me whole, again? The words just came spilling out . . .
But I'm not breaking down
And I'm not falling apart
I just lost a little faith
When you broke my heart
Given a chance
I might try it again
But I wouldn't risk it all this time
I'd save
A little love for myself
Enough for my heart to mend
A little love for myself
One day I just might love again
One day some sweet smile might turn my head
One day I just might give all myself away |
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